You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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