Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
