I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
