a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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