No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
