I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
