I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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