I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
