I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
