ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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