I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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