I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
