the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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