something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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