That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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