after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
