Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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