the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
