I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
