your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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