dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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