Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
