Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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