FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
