I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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