Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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