tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
