I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
