Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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