my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
