Will you blow on my dice?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize