In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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