o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
