Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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