There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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