please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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