i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
How's work?
Spinning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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