If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
