Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
