oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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