so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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