I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
