Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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