My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
