how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
