Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize