I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
