i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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