I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
