Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
