The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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