Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
