Need sex. Gaining weight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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