Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
