3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
