my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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