I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
